An exercise

My psychologist has asked me to write nice things about me in my diary, it’s an excercise that’s supposed to make it easier for me to say nice things to myself.Apart from the fact that I have nothing nice to say to myself and I want nothing to do with myself it feels very difficult to even fake it.

She says that it’s gonna become easier with time if I just keep saying nice things and allowing myself to be happy .My opinion is ,it’s not that I don’t allow myself to be happy I just don’t remember what happiness is supposed to feel like .I’m not saying that I’m sad right now cause I’m not ,I’m in a flat state of being .

When I asked her ”how do you become happy” she answered ”fake it till you make it” but I don’t even know what I’m faking here! Happiness seems like a very difficult concept to grasp ,I don’t know if it’s like this for everyone or if you’re suffering from a mental illness it makes it harder to understand happiness but I don’t think she realizes how much of a foreign concept it is to me.

Also ,my best friend thinks I shoud talk to my psychologist about some trauma I’ve had in my life.I haven’t brought it up yet cause I was too embarassed so I simply never mentioned it in our sessions but it might be important to say something if I want to get better,I’m not sure I will yet.

Anxiety

I’m so scared right know of everything and I wish I was more brave.I look to my parents and I think I’m a dissapointment because I can’t control my own fears.I don’t want them to know I’m so scared ,it’s embarrasing .

I’ve been having terrible anxiety these  days.I’m afraid of something terrible happening and the worst thing is I believe it’s in my control to prevent it,so I’m gonna be devastated if something bad actually happens.

Everyone says that nothing bad is gonna happen,they insist and yet I don’t believe them.

I hope people wont see me as weak if I confide in them…

My father

I have this wierd relationship with my father …We used to not get along at all but this past few years we have both been trying to mend our relationship.It hasn’t been easy. My father had a stroke back around 2007 ,ever since it happended communicating with him has been really hard .Well ,I’m not saying he was this easy going guy before but the stroke definately made things harder.

My father has always had  issues with his anger you see ,that wasn’t new to us ,but after the stroke he would go into fits of rage where he couldn’t control himself.He’s the type of guy to go from zero to one hundred.After a few years he went to a psychiatrist (more like he was dragged to one) where he was diagnosed with something he wouln’t talk about  and was put on medication that he refused to take.I still to this day get asked by different doctors I’ve been to ” do you have a history o mental illness in the family ” and I don’t know what to say because I have no idea what my fathers diagnosis is..

There’s this thing my mother always says, that my father is a bad person.I used to believe that ,I’m not sure I do anymore .You see he loves us very much.Maybe he is a bad person but a good father.

After years of not even saying to him ”good morning” I decided I wanted to fix our relationship and just like that it seemed as if he wanted the same thing too at the same exact time.So we began talking more and going places together as a family.In the beginning it was hard cause I was just expecting him to snap at any given moment but as he got older this seems to happen a lot less frequently.

I’ve come to realise that how I am with my parents plays a huge role in my mental health.My father can be emotionaly abusive and for years I tried to cut him out of my life as much as possible but as fucked up as it may seem I still feel the need to have a relationship with him even if in the end it blows up in my face.

When all is said and done,what made me and still makes me want to stay alive can be atributed down to 4 people and one of them is him.So I’m gonna keep trying to mend us despite all the heartbreak he has caused me .

I hate myself

It’s 23:41 where I am while I’m writing this post.I just returned home from being out with a person I’m trying to be friends with and I can’t fall asleep because I’m hating myself  with burning passion.

Why you might ask ,it’s because I’m thinking about all the stupid shit I said to him ,I feel like I can’t make normal conversation, I feel like  I bring the mood down.I can’t stop thinking about every single thing I said.

After that I called my best friend and we talked for a while and I feel like I was saying stupid stuff to her too.

I wish I had better impulse control so I didn’t just say the first thing that pops in my head.

I don’t know I’m wondering whether I’m friend material or if I bring everyone down with me.

I always try to bring my A’ game but in the end I think I’m just being tiring.

I think everyone will grow tired of me and you know what I can’t even blame them I wouldn’t wanna hang out with me either.

So that’s where I am right now..being pretty hateful towards me …at this rate I’m never gonna sleep..

ill-equipped

Recently I realised I’m ill-equipped to live life.I’ve spent so much time debating whether or not I want to live, that now that its time to actually experience life  I don’t know how.

Let me explain, for starters I’m terrified of making friends.And that would be ok if I didn’t care about making friends like I used to  but I really want to now and it’s turning out to be harder than I thought..And it’s not as if people don’t want to  be my friend, it’s just that I’m so scared and bad at communicating that I miss opportunities to make friends..When I meet knew people they always ask ”why aren’t you talking” and stuff like that cause I tend to go completely silent around new people .As you can imagine not saying anything doesn’t really help you make new friends.Granted I do have my best friend I’m just saying I can’t seem to be able to make any new friends.

Also ,lets talk about my romantic life…or the lack of it..I’m  terrified of getting into a relationship .I’ve been in three relationships in my life and each one was worst for me than the last.I don’t know how to communicate well in a romantic way either and it shows..

So I can’t make new friends and I can’t get into a relationship which I think are two important components of the human expierience you would think at least I have my family..well…it’s complicated .I’ts not like we get into fights (at least not anymore) but we are so distant that we might as well be living in diffrent parts of the city..We’re not really the type of people that talk to each other about their proplems or hug ,thats probably part of the reason why I find relief writing here ..

I really want to get the full living experience ,live to the fullest you know, that kind of thing ,but I’m having so much trouble with the basics(like socializing) that I don’t know how to get to the more complicated stuff..

I’m alone

Ever since that thing happened with the psychiatrist(me being accused of seeking attention) I feel completely alone and helpless.I know now that if something were to happen ,if for example I wanted to hurt myself I can’t call them because they will think I’m doing it for attention,so basicaly I’m on my own again right were I started..

The positive is that I think I can do it better this time even without help(or at least so I’m hoping..)since I’ve learned so much more about myself than I used to know.I’m scared cause it was nice having a support system all this time, some professional that I knew I could call if something were to happen but I’m not asking for help again if I know it’s gonna blow up in my face like it did.I still have my best friend though who I know is there for me ,she might not be a professional but at least I can still trust her which is more than I can say for psychiatrists.

I’m gonna keep going there to get my medication and stuff but as far as sharing my thoughts with them goes it’s not gonna happen anymore.

I’m having a strong urge to cut but I’m not gonna do it since I’ve decided that I’m on my own, I need to be able to control these urges on  my own too and I will.I’ve found that writing down whats hurting you helps to not cut so I’ve been keeping a diary(incosistently…) and I haven’t cut in a long time(I don’t remember what the last time was I think a bit less than a year ago)

 

attention seeking?

So today was really exhausting I had an appointment with my psychiatrist who reffered me to another psychiatrist because he wanted to get a second opinion on my diagnosis.This other doctor was a pure nightmare she asked me about the time I rehearsed my suicide and I told her what had happened and how I rehearsed how I would hang myself  and she told me ” you can’t die that way”. Which is very wierd because many people died from  hanging with a belt but she insisted that I couldnt possibly die that way to which I responded ”do you want me to show you?” I probably shouldnt have said that but she was being really agressive suggesting that I did it for attention she also started saying about how  I had called my best friend and told her what had happened so since I did that I couldnt have wanted to die or else I wouldnt have called anyone…of course I had called my friend after the fact and not before but she couldnt get that fact in her head…

It’s really hard for someone who doesnt like asking for help being told that the fact that you asked for help meant you were seeking attention..

It was a really horrible expierience that made me think I should quit therapy cause I felt humiliated.

In the end she concluded that I do have schizoaffective disorder and that I shouldnt quit my medication which I already knew so I don’t understand why she had to be so aggressive in the beginning as if I was lying just to end up coming up with the  same conclusion …

so sad at night…

It’s been a long time since I last posted  here and I don’t know if I’m gonna start writting consistenty from now on..Since then there’s been a pandemic, thankfully where I live we are out of the quarantine but it was a hard couple of months for everyone..So whats been up ,life has had its ups and downs ,during the quarantine I dedicated myself to excersice and I lost 10 kilos,I think I need to lose just a bit more but still its great progress.

These past few weeks I’ve been feeling so sad right before going to sleep I have this sense that  all the best days are behind me and nothing is ever gonna be good ever again.And whats worse is that I think all the good days werent even that good ,I truly believe I don’t have the capacity to enjoy anything !Its not like good things don’t happen to me ,they happen but when they do I’m so trapped in my head overthinking things that I don’t even get to enjoy them..Yesterday I had a sleepover at my best friends house ,it was one of these good things I talk about, but at night I had to cry myself to sleep..I’m very lucky I have such a supportive friend .

Anyway ,that’s where I’m at right now …I know it’s not the most positive note but its not like I expected I would have everything solved by know ,I must say I am at a better position than when I started writting this blog still not where I want to be though.Maybe I’ll get where I want to be and  maybe not, there are no promises in life.

 

 

 

Am I getting worse?

Just sharing some thoughts on my mental illness .I’ve been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bibolar type and it feels to me that year after year I’m getting worse .Right now I’m on medication which helps stabilize everything  but I’ve noticed that the time between being depressed or manic ,the ”normal ”as I call it  time is getting shorter and shorter ( whithout medication )and the lows are lower than what they used to be when I was younger.

The point I’m getting at is that my dream of one day being medication free is getting further and further .But is it for real though ,does bipolar get worse as you get older or is it all in my head?I’m very confused…

I also have ocd traits,this I’ve noticed is getting better even though I’m not receiving any special therapy for ocd.

The delusions are just as frequent  but as I’m getting more knowledgable I think I’m snapping out of it faster which is a good thing.Also even if I’m getting a feeling like sometimes it feel like everyone can hear my thoughts I’m now able to remain relaxed and I don’t freak out about it .

What else.. Well  I used to not have suicidal ideation while in recent years these thoughts are getting more frequent…

So ,I don’t know ,some things are getting better and others worse (or so I think at least )but one thing is for sure I’m not ready yet to go off my medication and I’m going to have to accept that eventually and stop trying to always weasel my way out of it.

abilify

So I thought I would write a bit on the medication I’m on in case someone is about to go on the same medication and are wondering how it may effect them.

Right now I’m on abilify and it’s working miracles.My doctor had to raise the dosage  to 30 mg (which I think is the highest you can get in  a day )which worried me cause on my last medication (risperdal)once the dose went higher I started having all kinds of side effects.

My doctor had warned me that it may give me akathisia (wich literaly means you can’t sit) but that didn’t happen .

On that note it did make it really difficult for me to sleep in the beggining which was a big difference from risperdal that would put me out cold.

One good thing that happened is that it gave me some energy. The delusions have stopped almost completely and my thoughts feel a lot more clear.Also although it may sound irrelevant to the medication I treat people a lot better now that I can think straight.

What I’ve noticed in terms of the negatives is that my anxiety is a lot higher (and we all know anxiety is a bitch).Worse of all I can eat everything ,especialy since the raise in dosage I’m never full I can eat all day. I thought they were overreacting when they talked about weight gain on antipsychotics but it’s a real problem.

About alcohol ,I’m not sure if this has to do with the medication but last time I drank I couldn’t remember anything the next day even though I didn’t even drink that much so I don’t know maybe alcohol and antypsycotics is a bad mix ,who would have known.

My mood is at a nice middle ground not too high not too low.

This has been my expierience with this drug so far if anything comes up thats wierd I will write about it so people will now what to expect.