So after a long time of fighting againist something I wasn’t really sure what it is and if it really even had a name to begin with,I finally got a diagnosis today.So what they said I have is ” schizoaffective disorder ” .What that means ,I’m not really sure myself for now,cause the moment I heard schizo…I kind of almost pissed my pants so I wasn’t really able to fully understand what the doctor was saying ,but at the next appointment I’m sure they will explain more and I’ll get my chance to ask about anything I might need .
From what I gathered though and it’s basically the short answer to what it is ,it’s a mood disorder like bibolar but with psychotic features.Again,don’t take my word for it ,it’s news to me as well so as I’m finding out more I will write about what I learn here.If any of you know more about it though don’t hesitate to tell me,cause I’m kind of in unknown territory right now.
They also gave me medication for it ,I’m not sure how to feel about that either.On one hand I’m willing to try anything to feel less of what I’m feeling on the other side change is scary,and I’m afraid how this will affect my art ,but then again I can’t make art if I’m dead….anyway we’ll see how it goes…one day at a time.
All I want is a sad clown for my birthday,
to cry all night and throw a fit,
to stomp his feet on wooden floor boards,
to make me wish he would just leave.
And all the guests would be so helpless,
they’d try so hard to cheer him up,
a grown up man in every aspect,
can look so scary when he’s sad.
A person at university asked me yesterday in what situations I feel most awkward in.The truthfull answer would have been in every situation ,that’s not the answer I gave though cause I didn’t want to sound wierd .
In reality,there’s no place I feel at home.There’s nowhere I’m at peace.I feel like a stranger even in my own house.There’s no person I’ve ever met that I haven’t thought is ploting to harm me.Even with my parents I try to interpret their every little glance and movement to see if their judging me or not.There’s no amount of distance I can run to get to a place called home.As long I am myself I cannot find peace .I don’t even trust me to begin with,so how far would I need to go to separate me from myself?How much longer till I can get some rest?
My parents are at it again so I’m trapped in my room till they’re done fighting..There’s a high probability that the fight will be directed at me if I try to go to the bathroom so I’m going to sleep so as not to think about food or bodily functions..I hope I wake up in the morning right after they’ve left the house.I’m really sad about life in general right now and this is not helping.It’s hard enough trying to get my shit together without the added stress of avoiding flying ash trays while making my way through the hallway.If I get hit by something they’te throwing at each other ,even if by accident ,I’m gonna fly into a rage so that is definately not gonna help the situation de-escalate.That’s why it’s bed time for me even though it’s still kind of early.It’s one of those days that I hope the sleep lasts long cause I’m not really looking forward to waking up.
I feel betrayed ,it’s probably in my head but I’m still sad.Some time ago I got into an arguement with some guy on the behalf of a guy I know from university and at the time he was glad I defended him.Fast forward to today they made up and now he comes and tells me that I’m the one that’s crazy and he doesn’t make enemies as easily as I do.To which I reply ,he wouldn’t even be my enemy in the first place if I wasn’t trying to defend you!So now their all happy together and I am the illogical one…Well,I learned my lesson ,I’m not taking sides again in something that isn’t my fight.
Found my old diary last night from when I was 16.Damn the cringe..I’m in the process of reading it right know but it’s a lot of pages so it’s like a book and I guess it’s gonna take a couple of days to go though the whole thing.
Right from the first page I thought ” God,I was a spitefull bitch.I think if I had any worse of an upbringing I would be a criminal or something. I’m actually surprissed I turned out the way I did,I’m not the best but not as bad as I could have been.
Every other page is literaly filled with hate for the world.On one hand I can see an improvent so I’m glad I became a better person(even slightly)over the years on the other hand it’s sad to see what a huge portion of my life I’ve wasted on these thoughts.
There are actual plans that are 10 pages long on how to take revenge for God knows what from people I don’t even remember anymore..Trust me I know what you’re thinking ,and no I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me either.But I guess whatever it was I guess I grew out of it..phew..
I’m gonna keep reading for now cause some of the things are pretty funny now that I see them from my older selfs perspective and if there’s something worth writing about I might post it..
I want to be the hero ,yet I feel like a villain all the time.l think my moral code needs a check .I know I’m rotting inside cause I can hear my own thoughts and they don’t sound too good.When did I get to have such little self control?You would think talking to people should make me feel better but I think I might be getting my hopes up and it will be ten times more difficult if I get used to having people around me and then lose them.So I’ll remain hopeless for now so I have nothing to lose , and though this isn’t a life worth living ,I know in the long run hope is gonna hurt me so much more.