Am I crazy?

Today I googled ” am i crazy”.. Obviously i didn’t get an answer.. I’ve come to the conclusion I am . You might wonder why I’ve come to believe that ..well it’s because I realised that my whole life and all my behaviours and thoughts don’t go along with what society says is normal.

I sometimes pretend very convincingly that I think what others think but sometimes I can’t even do that.

Sometimes you can’t see something clearly but you realize it’s there by the effect it has on something else.For example I may not be able to tell if something is wrong with me for sure but the fact that I have trouble making friends the fact that I havent been in a relationship for years and the fact that I self harm indicates that something is in fact wrong with me.

I’m really sad about it today to be honest because I don’t know how to get better or If I can get better at least in time to not have wasted my entire life.

Anyway I also googled do things get better? People on the internet did have an answer to that and it was that things do get better.I guess I’m gonna have to take their word for it ..

I’m losing faith in therapy

I’ve been doing therapy for around 3 years (I think maybe four..I don’t remember).I’m starting to feel that it doesn’t work.You would think that by now I would be in a much better place but I feel like most of the improvement is because of the medication.I feel that all I do is tell them a problem I have and they listen but they never really provide any answers and maybe thats how it’s supposed to work but I’m tired,I need some answers.

I know I’m not supposed to say this because maybe it will discourage someone who wants to start therapy but maybe it’s just me maybe I’ve been to the wrong people or even I don’t open up enough to be helped (cause let me be honest I very rarely open up even to my therapist)So I don’t know maybe therapy does work but it just doesn’t work for me. I ‘m pretty dissapointed though..I hear all these sucess stories were people go to therapy and then they have huge progress and I want that too but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Also what I think hinders my progress is I’m too scared to talk about anything that has to do with suicide out of fear that they will have me hospitalized.I know it may not hapen but I’m too scared to risk it.I ‘ve talked to them about these issues a bit but I always try to make it sound less serious than it is.(I’m slowly realizing it’s my fault it isn’t working..)Also a few weeks back I self harmed again but I hid it from my therapist because last time I told my psychiatrist they told me if I self harm again I should go to the hospital ,so obviously I didn’t want to do that so I hid it.I mean why would I go to the hospital for self harming I don’t get it I ‘ve been self harming for years never needed any stitches or anything so why not keep dealing with it by myself.?

Anyway this was a bit of a rant that went nowhere I’ll keep going to therapy even though at this point it feels like I’m wasting my time ,but I’ll try to open up a bit more maybe that will help…I’ll pretend I’m starting over and try to be as honest as possible and I’ll tell you how it goes …

Not crazy enough

Lately I’ve been feeling I don’t deserve help.What’s been happening is the world tells me I’m not sick enough I’m too functional now which in turn I take in as I don’t deserve help,help should be reserved for those who have lost grasp of reality..

People keep telling me you look too normal to be having mental health issues ..And I agree you can’t really tell what I’m dealing with by my appearance only, especially these days that I’m medicated I can appear very ” normal” .

I had people that know I take medication tell me maybe you don’t need to take that you seem fine now.Which makes me think maybe I’m been wastefull I’m consuming medication that someone who needs it more than me could be getting.

I know I should probably just listen to my doctors that tell me I’m doing so well precisely because I’m being so good with my medication but because I hear it all the time ,I start to question them.

What do you have to be sad about? I’ve been asked that and I think I dont want to be dramatic and make things seem worse than they are..I mean I have guilt ,guilt that keeps me up at night thats my answer to that but other than that nothing that I could explain an would be enough to them as an answer as to why I am sad…so instead I don’t say anything I always answer ” yes you’re right everythings fine”

Noone seems to get there are some limitations I have ,things I can’t do ,they all think you just put your big boy pants on and do what you have to, when there are literaly things that somedays I can’t psysically do …

They all accept people with a mental illness until that person can’t do exactly what they can do then they don’t accept them anymore ,then they think they didn’t try as hard..

Coping…

Quarantine is hard.I wish I could drink, it would be much easier if I at least had that.But I’m trying to do better,I’ve pretty much realised by now that all my coping mechanisms do more harm than good.

I’m have been cutting lately ,probably because things have been going so terrible in the world ,but even more because things have been going well enough for me to be afraid of losing everything. Honestly I don’t think it has that much to do with the world ,I’ve never been the one to look at the bigger picture, it has to be all the small things in my life, I don’t cut because the world’s about to end, no ,I cut because of things that effect me and only me ,I’m selfish that way.

Somehow even in the middle of the pandemic everyones life seems to be moving faster than my life ever does,makes me feel kind of left behind.

I’m still dropping weight pretty successfuly ,it’s my new unhealthy coping mechanism,fitness.Of course at some point I’m gonna run out of weight to lose so then I’m gonna need to find something new to occupy my mind…

An exercise

My psychologist has asked me to write nice things about me in my diary, it’s an excercise that’s supposed to make it easier for me to say nice things to myself.Apart from the fact that I have nothing nice to say to myself and I want nothing to do with myself it feels very difficult to even fake it.

She says that it’s gonna become easier with time if I just keep saying nice things and allowing myself to be happy .My opinion is ,it’s not that I don’t allow myself to be happy I just don’t remember what happiness is supposed to feel like .I’m not saying that I’m sad right now cause I’m not ,I’m in a flat state of being .

When I asked her ”how do you become happy” she answered ”fake it till you make it” but I don’t even know what I’m faking here! Happiness seems like a very difficult concept to grasp ,I don’t know if it’s like this for everyone or if you’re suffering from a mental illness it makes it harder to understand happiness but I don’t think she realizes how much of a foreign concept it is to me.

Also ,my best friend thinks I shoud talk to my psychologist about some trauma I’ve had in my life.I haven’t brought it up yet cause I was too embarassed so I simply never mentioned it in our sessions but it might be important to say something if I want to get better,I’m not sure I will yet.

Anxiety

I’m so scared right know of everything and I wish I was more brave.I look to my parents and I think I’m a dissapointment because I can’t control my own fears.I don’t want them to know I’m so scared ,it’s embarrasing .

I’ve been having terrible anxiety these  days.I’m afraid of something terrible happening and the worst thing is I believe it’s in my control to prevent it,so I’m gonna be devastated if something bad actually happens.

Everyone says that nothing bad is gonna happen,they insist and yet I don’t believe them.

I hope people wont see me as weak if I confide in them…

My father

I have this wierd relationship with my father …We used to not get along at all but this past few years we have both been trying to mend our relationship.It hasn’t been easy. My father had a stroke back around 2007 ,ever since it happended communicating with him has been really hard .Well ,I’m not saying he was this easy going guy before but the stroke definately made things harder.

My father has always had  issues with his anger you see ,that wasn’t new to us ,but after the stroke he would go into fits of rage where he couldn’t control himself.He’s the type of guy to go from zero to one hundred.After a few years he went to a psychiatrist (more like he was dragged to one) where he was diagnosed with something he wouln’t talk about  and was put on medication that he refused to take.I still to this day get asked by different doctors I’ve been to ” do you have a history o mental illness in the family ” and I don’t know what to say because I have no idea what my fathers diagnosis is..

There’s this thing my mother always says, that my father is a bad person.I used to believe that ,I’m not sure I do anymore .You see he loves us very much.Maybe he is a bad person but a good father.

After years of not even saying to him ”good morning” I decided I wanted to fix our relationship and just like that it seemed as if he wanted the same thing too at the same exact time.So we began talking more and going places together as a family.In the beginning it was hard cause I was just expecting him to snap at any given moment but as he got older this seems to happen a lot less frequently.

I’ve come to realise that how I am with my parents plays a huge role in my mental health.My father can be emotionaly abusive and for years I tried to cut him out of my life as much as possible but as fucked up as it may seem I still feel the need to have a relationship with him even if in the end it blows up in my face.

When all is said and done,what made me and still makes me want to stay alive can be atributed down to 4 people and one of them is him.So I’m gonna keep trying to mend us despite all the heartbreak he has caused me .

I hate myself

It’s 23:41 where I am while I’m writing this post.I just returned home from being out with a person I’m trying to be friends with and I can’t fall asleep because I’m hating myself  with burning passion.

Why you might ask ,it’s because I’m thinking about all the stupid shit I said to him ,I feel like I can’t make normal conversation, I feel like  I bring the mood down.I can’t stop thinking about every single thing I said.

After that I called my best friend and we talked for a while and I feel like I was saying stupid stuff to her too.

I wish I had better impulse control so I didn’t just say the first thing that pops in my head.

I don’t know I’m wondering whether I’m friend material or if I bring everyone down with me.

I always try to bring my A’ game but in the end I think I’m just being tiring.

I think everyone will grow tired of me and you know what I can’t even blame them I wouldn’t wanna hang out with me either.

So that’s where I am right now..being pretty hateful towards me …at this rate I’m never gonna sleep..

ill-equipped

Recently I realised I’m ill-equipped to live life.I’ve spent so much time debating whether or not I want to live, that now that its time to actually experience life  I don’t know how.

Let me explain, for starters I’m terrified of making friends.And that would be ok if I didn’t care about making friends like I used to  but I really want to now and it’s turning out to be harder than I thought..And it’s not as if people don’t want to  be my friend, it’s just that I’m so scared and bad at communicating that I miss opportunities to make friends..When I meet knew people they always ask ”why aren’t you talking” and stuff like that cause I tend to go completely silent around new people .As you can imagine not saying anything doesn’t really help you make new friends.Granted I do have my best friend I’m just saying I can’t seem to be able to make any new friends.

Also ,lets talk about my romantic life…or the lack of it..I’m  terrified of getting into a relationship .I’ve been in three relationships in my life and each one was worst for me than the last.I don’t know how to communicate well in a romantic way either and it shows..

So I can’t make new friends and I can’t get into a relationship which I think are two important components of the human expierience you would think at least I have my family..well…it’s complicated .I’ts not like we get into fights (at least not anymore) but we are so distant that we might as well be living in diffrent parts of the city..We’re not really the type of people that talk to each other about their proplems or hug ,thats probably part of the reason why I find relief writing here ..

I really want to get the full living experience ,live to the fullest you know, that kind of thing ,but I’m having so much trouble with the basics(like socializing) that I don’t know how to get to the more complicated stuff..

I’m alone

Ever since that thing happened with the psychiatrist(me being accused of seeking attention) I feel completely alone and helpless.I know now that if something were to happen ,if for example I wanted to hurt myself I can’t call them because they will think I’m doing it for attention,so basicaly I’m on my own again right were I started..

The positive is that I think I can do it better this time even without help(or at least so I’m hoping..)since I’ve learned so much more about myself than I used to know.I’m scared cause it was nice having a support system all this time, some professional that I knew I could call if something were to happen but I’m not asking for help again if I know it’s gonna blow up in my face like it did.I still have my best friend though who I know is there for me ,she might not be a professional but at least I can still trust her which is more than I can say for psychiatrists.

I’m gonna keep going there to get my medication and stuff but as far as sharing my thoughts with them goes it’s not gonna happen anymore.

I’m having a strong urge to cut but I’m not gonna do it since I’ve decided that I’m on my own, I need to be able to control these urges on  my own too and I will.I’ve found that writing down whats hurting you helps to not cut so I’ve been keeping a diary(incosistently…) and I haven’t cut in a long time(I don’t remember what the last time was I think a bit less than a year ago)