Am I getting worse?

Just sharing some thoughts on my mental illness .I’ve been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bibolar type and it feels to me that year after year I’m getting worse .Right now I’m on medication which helps stabilize everything  but I’ve noticed that the time between being depressed or manic ,the ”normal ”as I call it  time is getting shorter and shorter ( whithout medication )and the lows are lower than what they used to be when I was younger.

The point I’m getting at is that my dream of one day being medication free is getting further and further .But is it for real though ,does bipolar get worse as you get older or is it all in my head?I’m very confused…

I also have ocd traits,this I’ve noticed is getting better even though I’m not receiving any special therapy for ocd.

The delusions are just as frequent  but as I’m getting more knowledgable I think I’m snapping out of it faster which is a good thing.Also even if I’m getting a feeling like sometimes it feel like everyone can hear my thoughts I’m now able to remain relaxed and I don’t freak out about it .

What else.. Well  I used to not have suicidal ideation while in recent years these thoughts are getting more frequent…

So ,I don’t know ,some things are getting better and others worse (or so I think at least )but one thing is for sure I’m not ready yet to go off my medication and I’m going to have to accept that eventually and stop trying to always weasel my way out of it.


So I thought I would write a bit on the medication I’m on in case someone is about to go on the same medication and are wondering how it may effect them.

Right now I’m on abilify and it’s working miracles.My doctor had to raise the dosage  to 30 mg (which I think is the highest you can get in  a day )which worried me cause on my last medication (risperdal)once the dose went higher I started having all kinds of side effects.

My doctor had warned me that it may give me akathisia (wich literaly means you can’t sit) but that didn’t happen .

On that note it did make it really difficult for me to sleep in the beggining which was a big difference from risperdal that would put me out cold.

One good thing that happened is that it gave me some energy. The delusions have stopped almost completely and my thoughts feel a lot more clear.Also although it may sound irrelevant to the medication I treat people a lot better now that I can think straight.

What I’ve noticed in terms of the negatives is that my anxiety is a lot higher (and we all know anxiety is a bitch).Worse of all I can eat everything ,especialy since the raise in dosage I’m never full I can eat all day. I thought they were overreacting when they talked about weight gain on antipsychotics but it’s a real problem.

About alcohol ,I’m not sure if this has to do with the medication but last time I drank I couldn’t remember anything the next day even though I didn’t even drink that much so I don’t know maybe alcohol and antypsycotics is a bad mix ,who would have known.

My mood is at a nice middle ground not too high not too low.

This has been my expierience with this drug so far if anything comes up thats wierd I will write about it so people will now what to expect.

Can’t get out of bed

I can’t get out of bed ,they could put a gun to my head and still i probably couldn’t do it.I don’t know whats wrong with me or how long it’s gonna last but my doctor increased my medication she believes that will help.

I hate that they keep giving me higher dosages of medication cause I really worry about the side effects.I’m hoping it will help though cause I’m really tired of not being able to get any stuff done.

mad at my psychiatrist

So heres what happend with my psychiatrist.Last time I had an episode (I don’t know if it’s called psychotic episode or whatever..)where it felt like someone was trying to invade my body ,well obviously it didn’t really happen and I know that now but at the time it was happening it felt real.So I told my psychiatrist about that incident and she asked me ”did you think at the time that it was a symptom of your illness?” and I said ”no” cause at the time I couldn’t really think straight I thought that I really was fighting some invisible force trying to take over me.And she got mad at me!because she says I don’t trust her and if I trusted her I would have been able to realize it was a symptom!And then she said that if I keep going like that I’m going to have to find  a different doctor!That’s crazy!you cant demand someone to trust you like that!If it had happened to her she would know that it’s not about how much I trust her I just can’t tell what’s real when things like that happen.

So now I’m mad at her for telling me that I might need to find a new doctor.I don’t see how I did anything wrong and even if I don’t fully trust her I don’t see how that is something she can get mad at me for.

She really makes me feel like a burden sometimes and I don’t know if it’s because of me or  because of her that I feel that way.I would like to talk to her about it on Thursday but if she gets mad at me again we might get into an arguement and I’d rather avoid that,so I will most likely do the most passive-aggressive thing I can think off and go there and refuse to talk.(I know real mature..)we’ll see how it goes..

weight loss update

So I’ve lost two kilos.It’s not great progress cause it’s taking forever to lose that little bit of weight but I’m glad I lost something.It was expected that I would gain weight on antipsychotics so I’m happy for even that little bit.

I’m hoping I can make the process go a bit faster by walking more .I’ll tell you how it goes.

illegal substances

Hi there .It’s been a while.I really missed this place and reading about how everyone is doing and I think it’s time to start catching up.You might be wondering what I’ve been doing for so long ,well to sum it up ,I’ve been drinking a lot and having sex a lot and that part wasn’t bad at all  but also I tried weed for the first time(I haven’t even smoked before so it basicaly felt like it burnt my lungs) and snorted sedatives  and that part wasn’t so good.I think I ‘ve been going through puberty but for grown ups.

As you might imagine my psychiatrist wasn’t too happy with that cause as she explained doing weed could cause me to end up in the hospital and as for the snorting sedatives she thought it was just dumb.

Don’t get me wrong I ‘ve  been having fun (maybe too much fun ) but it’s time to get back on the path I was on cause I’ve neglected everything including my art.So that’s about it I hope everyone had fun during christmas too.

these thoughts…

I have these thoughts ,they’ve been bugging me for a few days now,about hurting myself.They are intrusive and they don’t leave much room for other thoughts.I’m trying to keep myself busy by going places so my brain doesn’t have much time to think .

I’ve been doing so well. I don’t know why I carry so much negativity .This too, will pass though cause I know I’ve been through worse.