I haven’t been great with taking my medication I keep forgeting to take it and I think that might have caused a sudden drop in my mood.Life feels meaningless right now.I don’t want to eat ,I don’t wanna clean myself and I really wanna cut.
I started taking my medication again so I hope I feel better soon .(probably in a couple of weeks )To be honest because I’ve been doing well for some time I thought I didn’t need to take it anymore but I guess it’s not true.
I really hope I’m feeling better by the time I have my next appointment ,cause I really don’t wanna have to admit to my doctor that I haven’t been taking my medication.
So yesterday was world suicide prevention day.I didn’t write about it yesterday cause honestly I avoid thinking about how I was ever in such a bad place,but I realize that pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t really help.I’m not really gonna share how I got to the point of thinking that suicide was the only option but I want to share that I got better even though I thought I couldn’t get better and everyone that gets to that point always feels that there’s no other way out but sometimes it turns out that other people can find the way out for you when you can’t do it for yourself.
Talk to someone ,I know that when you’re in a bad place you think that noone cares I even thought my parents wouldn’t even notice I was gone but when I talked to my best friend I realized how much it would have hurt her if I went through with it so if you can’t talk to a proffessional at least talk to a family member or a friend.
There’s no shame in being in pain ,we all need help sometimes so don’t be ashamed to ask for help.
Had and appontment with my psychiatrist today and we talked a bit about putting me into group therapy.I don’t know how that’s gonna be but I think it would be nice talking to people my own age with similar issues.
I’m having trouble relaxing right now ,I ‘m always really anxious when I get back from an appointment cause although you’re supposed to share your feelings and stuff I always feel like I’m oversharing and I even think the psychiatrist is gonna hate me for it.So right now I’m going over everything I said in my head thinking about how she’s gonna think I’m an asshole.I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to feel more anxious after therapy but that’s just because I assume I’m a burden to everyone even to the psychiatrist.
If it’s this hard talking to one person I can’t imagine what kind of torture group therapy is going to be.Anxiety sucks…
Yesterday was my last day of work since I have to go back to university.I had dyed my hair black cause I wasn’t allowed to have green hair at work but I dyed them grey the same day I quit.I’m really glad I could change my hair again cause I wasn’t feeling like myself with black.
Also I haven’t lost any weight yet but at least I haven’t gained any.I was trying to lose weight with diet alone but I’m adding excersice this week to see if it helps.I’ll keep you posted.
I’m frustrated.I’ve been trying to make simple conversation with the people at work and I can’t even do that.It doesn’t help that my head is empty most of the time.I just wanna make friends is that too much to ask?I think everyone should have friends.Thankfully I have my best and only friend and she keeps me going but I’m trying to meet more people which I guess is impossible for me.
I’m ashamed of it ,but when I try talking to people I always pretend to have more friends and to go out cause I’m afraid they will think I ‘m wierd if I tell the truth.I wasn’t always like this ,well I always were shy but at least I could handle basic human interaction but with each year I feel I’m getting worse ,I feel I’m getting more stupid ,I can’t handle anymore stuff that was easy even as recent as two years ago.I don’t know if it’s something that’s in my head but I think I’m getting more sick.
And with that things like making new friends gets more difficult.I’ll keep trying of course cause I know if I manage to make friends I’m keeping them for life.
I’m paying for all the years I didn’t brush my teeth.I have at least 4 teeth that are hurting right now.I putting off going to the dentist till I get payed though.
I was humiliated at work today.Last time a girl from work had noticed my self harm scars but at least was discreet about it ,this time I wasn’t so lucky, a different girl noticed and started yelling at the other girls working there ” Helen is an emo she cuts herself!” and then they came to look at my arms while I was like ”it’s not what you think!”(but it really was).
I feel humiliated and I really want to cut right now cause I don’t know how else to deal with these feelings but I can’t even do that cause if I go to work tomorow with fresh cuts I’m gonna prove to them they were right about me cutting myself .